I had a shouting match with God today.
Ok, so I did most of the shouting. Or all of it. I got to a point where I just didn't feel like I could sit quietly and patiently any more. Just like our toddlers pitching fits when we most need them to sit still, I blew up.
I grew frustrated with myself, and then with God. "Why can't I just get it right? Why can't you, God, help me get it right? Why am I always messing something up? Why did you even make me this way? What was the point? Why do I want so badly what you have no intention of doing for me? Can't you just take it away? Can't you just shut down the longings in my heart? Couldn't you have just made me differently in the first place? Why?!?!?"
I screamed. I cried big tears for a long time. I pouted. Everything that exasperates us when our own kids do it - I did all of that. But here's what's different:
I am not God, and God is not me.
I know most of you are thinking, "um, duh?" But let me explain. God is patient with me far beyond my own ability to be patient. God is gentle with me long after my own kindness for others wears off. God isn't threatened by my anger and frustration and doubts. He is bigger than all of that. He can handle it. And deep down inside - somewhere beyond all my anger, I still know and believe that he loves me and is holding me through it.
I wish I could tell you that I heard a clear answer to my shouting and have learned a great, succinct lesson today. But that's not the case. These things aren't always so quick to resolve - we've all experienced the waiting. But tonight I know that my God is big enough, strong enough, gentle enough, patient enough, good enough for me to vent to - and to know that he is still with me through it all.
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. - 1 Peter 5:7
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